It took me exactly 13 days to reconcile myself with reality, to gather my broken self. I was not able to clear Civil Service Examination Mains 2012. But I know it for sure that this time success will follow. How? Read on.
For the first time I was to read The Hindu on 6th June 2009. My mom stayed with me for a while because she was extremely worried for me having seen the kind of place and atmosphere I was to live in for next few years. During her stay with me for 2 months I realised that she was a very strong person (all moms are very strong- is not it?) and I was weaker than her. When I arrived in Delhi I came there not just to clear this exam but to clear with extraordinary success which to me was nothing less than having Rank-1. Everyone told me at that time its all destiny. I was determined to succeed.
Preliminary and Mains exam passed like the seasons of Delhi. Saving myself with my books from the Scorching heat in summers followed by me running across water logged roads during rainy season to attend the coaching classes. My next door neighbour had already appeared in preliminary exam of Civil Service Exam twice and a few times in Judiciary Preliminary exam. He was very proud of the fact that he wrote so many preliminary exams! I remember that how on the same very night he was drunk with some girl in the room and in the middle of night the girl left the house using such abuses which were unheard of.
Everyone in Mukherjee Nagar and Old Rajendra Nagar, New Delhi was happy with me. Milk shop, Coaching institutes, newspaper bhaiyya, landlord, washer-man etc. Only person who was not happy, it seemed to me, in Delhi was me. Everyone wanted money and more money. With turn of every season my misery grew harsher. Everyone told me that I have failed because of luck. I worked harder and harder before every exam and after every exam my prayers grew stronger. I became fatelist, somewhat like followers of Ajivikas (you remember Barabara? and Mokkhali Gosala?).
Failure in mains 2012 exam jolted me from inside. My friend with whom I studied got the call for interview. I am not at all jealous, but question that has been troubling me is why me?! I was also happy that my friend has succeeded and that our way of working is right. My real self likes to fight. This time something strange happened. I was finding it difficult to call it fate as I felt that I was running away from some un-discoverable latent mistake that I must have done. I am calling it un-discoverable because so far I have not been able to determine the cause of earlier failure. But now I do not want to blame God or anyone else for what I have done. I am back to square one. A non-fatelist.
But there are few differences. This time I have more belief in myself than God. I refuse to call it a fact that all is determined by luck and destiny, though I still believe in God. I will not pray this time for success for my relation with God is not of give and take. I will just study this time. Fight every hour and study every second. I will struggle to study more everyday. I will study till I fall. And get up every time to study again till I fall.
For this time target is not just clear the exam but to prove that luck is/was 'destined' to loose and impeccable hard-work is 'destined' to succeed.
For the first time I was to read The Hindu on 6th June 2009. My mom stayed with me for a while because she was extremely worried for me having seen the kind of place and atmosphere I was to live in for next few years. During her stay with me for 2 months I realised that she was a very strong person (all moms are very strong- is not it?) and I was weaker than her. When I arrived in Delhi I came there not just to clear this exam but to clear with extraordinary success which to me was nothing less than having Rank-1. Everyone told me at that time its all destiny. I was determined to succeed.
Preliminary and Mains exam passed like the seasons of Delhi. Saving myself with my books from the Scorching heat in summers followed by me running across water logged roads during rainy season to attend the coaching classes. My next door neighbour had already appeared in preliminary exam of Civil Service Exam twice and a few times in Judiciary Preliminary exam. He was very proud of the fact that he wrote so many preliminary exams! I remember that how on the same very night he was drunk with some girl in the room and in the middle of night the girl left the house using such abuses which were unheard of.
Everyone in Mukherjee Nagar and Old Rajendra Nagar, New Delhi was happy with me. Milk shop, Coaching institutes, newspaper bhaiyya, landlord, washer-man etc. Only person who was not happy, it seemed to me, in Delhi was me. Everyone wanted money and more money. With turn of every season my misery grew harsher. Everyone told me that I have failed because of luck. I worked harder and harder before every exam and after every exam my prayers grew stronger. I became fatelist, somewhat like followers of Ajivikas (you remember Barabara? and Mokkhali Gosala?).
Failure in mains 2012 exam jolted me from inside. My friend with whom I studied got the call for interview. I am not at all jealous, but question that has been troubling me is why me?! I was also happy that my friend has succeeded and that our way of working is right. My real self likes to fight. This time something strange happened. I was finding it difficult to call it fate as I felt that I was running away from some un-discoverable latent mistake that I must have done. I am calling it un-discoverable because so far I have not been able to determine the cause of earlier failure. But now I do not want to blame God or anyone else for what I have done. I am back to square one. A non-fatelist.
But there are few differences. This time I have more belief in myself than God. I refuse to call it a fact that all is determined by luck and destiny, though I still believe in God. I will not pray this time for success for my relation with God is not of give and take. I will just study this time. Fight every hour and study every second. I will struggle to study more everyday. I will study till I fall. And get up every time to study again till I fall.
For this time target is not just clear the exam but to prove that luck is/was 'destined' to loose and impeccable hard-work is 'destined' to succeed.
4 comments:
Inspiring !!!
"The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work."
It is an excellent articulation of your emotions. Since I am going through the similar phase, I could readily connect with it.
It's really very difficult to accept that despite of giving our best result is not the way we want. The burden of broken dreams is always heavy and it's never easy to move on from such stage.
While such emotions are hurting from within, the financial and other problems are affecting from out side. Suddenly life seems to be difficult to live.
But as we all know, success in Upsc is matter a of luck, as there are so many factors which must be in favor before we achieve what we always want to achieve here. At least in this stage it's always wise to blame "destiny" for our failure, so that our self belief won't be hampered.
I want to request people out here, please share what your ways are to maintain belief in your own credibility.
May be, thats y its said "some ppl create their own destiny" !!!!
I completely agree with Rohan. Its very tuff to move on, carrying heavy burden of broken dreams... nd y stuff urself with unwanted rotten stale thoughts..
Start afresh and an attempt with an equal or rather more enthusiasm n zeal like its ur first attempt to capture ur dream! Removing unwanted burden will lighten the journey and make it pleasurable and may lighten up some newer ways..
I knw u must b thinking, its easy to say and tuff to do, bt there's nothing above belief in oneself, which I c, u hv achieved within. Trust urself. Cz ultimately its between U and Him not U n him !
Go on.. Get it. Make it urs !! Best wishes..
@Aarti Bansal - Thank You Madam. I hope to write more in future and get better every time.
@Rohan_s_k_7 - Thank Buddy for your comment. I am out of it completely now. I am all set and in the motion for the next attempt. As I said in the write up that to me self-belief this time is coming from inside than any outside force/power. Nevertheless, the whole idea is to keep moving ahead irrespective of where the belief comes from. Good to know your perspective. Are you going to appear in next attempt? What's the optional you are planning to take? Mine you can guess easily with my profile.
@ Aditi Manocha - Thank you, thats encouraging. That quote by 'some ppl' is not correct to the extent that 'some' ppl make their destiny. I feel every one does so. But then still the question remains unanswered as there are people around who are not in same circumstances as I am. Some are better and some worse. Why is their not a level playing field? Would go into detail of such question some time in future.
As for now will just study.
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